HEALING THE AFTEREFFECTS OF TRAUMA WITH SPIRITUALITY 10/17/2015 (Another version of this post was first published in a newsletter for Many Voices Press) Spirituality…I truly don’t think I’d be here today without my unwavering belief that there is something larger than all of this, something beyond me and my past traumas that gives my life meaning, that gives all of our lives meaning. I can trace this belief all the way back to my childhood when I first began to believe that the rays pouring out from behind the clouds were the light of God. Must have been an idea I got from a painting or photograph; still, it stuck in my mind and remains with me even today as I watch the sunset outside my window and am, as always, filled with awe. I can remember one day in particular from my childhood, a day when I was about five- years old when my spirituality really began to take hold. After escaping from some episode of domestic trauma that was going on inside my house, I ran outside into the front yard, looked up at the sky and saw a jet, way up at the top of all of that blue. Instantly I felt that if there could be something so incredible, something so very far away from me and all of my family turmoil, I could hold on to that far away place and keep a part of my soul safe there (early threads of dissociation I suppose). Ever since that day, I’ve felt that if I could just see a piece of the sky, or the summit of some mountain off in the distance, or even a turkey vulture in flight, I could make it…that I could somehow be okay. Ten years ago, however, right smack in the middle of an intense “psycho-spiritual crisis,” I was about as far from okay as I could possibly be. It was during the summer of 2005 at the beginning of perimenopause (the eight or so years before the menstrual cycles cease) that, all of a sudden, all of my coping mechanisms began to collapse, both around me and within me. As my mind and my body suddenly began releasing much of the terror, grief, and shame I’d been holding onto related to my abuse, I found myself plummeting into the most terrifying and yet liberating experience of my life, an experience I never could have survived without my spirituality. All day and all night my hands and my body shook. My pulse, usually around 65 beats per minute or so, began racing somewhere around 100, and my blood pressure, normally around 110/65, had begun churning out readings as high as 178/100. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Why, I could barely even think. It took all the concentration I could muster to perform even the simplest of tasks, things like making my sons’ lunch and doing the laundry. I was afraid to take a shower, afraid to be alone, and terrified that I would take my own life. Even with all of this chaos and fear swirling around inside me, I held fast to my spirituality and continued to pray—to God, yes, but also to the inner and outer healing guides, angels, if you will, who I could sense were trying to help me. Days passed, weeks, and then months, and still, even with my prayers the upheaval continued. I must be dying, I thought helplessly. What else could it be? I must be dying! Finally, exhausted and growing more and more suicidal by the day, that October I decided to sign myself into an acute care psychiatric hospital. It was there that I finally began to accept the fact that it was not some dreaded physical illness causing all of my inner and outer “disturbances,” and neither was it any sort of mental illness. It was the emotions I’d been holding onto related to my history of childhood abuse, abuse that I was only just beginning to remember. And so, with the help of regular sessions of talk and hypno-therapy, massage, movement, writing and group therapy, yoga and Chi Kung, I began my long awaited journey toward integration, healing, and wholeness. As many of you who are healing from similar abuse-related traumas know, this journey has not been an easy one. There are many moments, so many moments when returning memories and long hidden feelings of grief, shame, and fear still threaten to steal away my newly found feelings of safety and sanity. While I have many tools to help me through these moments now, I remain amazed by how often my simply being able to admit to myself, to God, and to my inner and outer healing guides that I am afraid has brought me comfort, reassurance, and the blessed ability to move forward with my day. Growing up in an abusive family, I was not allowed to give voice to feelings of shame, grief, or fear and so I internalized these emotions, turning them over the years into episodes of anorexia, bulimia, self-inflicted violence, anxiety, panic, and tendencies toward dissociation. Today I can see that it is only by embracing and ultimately releasing these long repressed emotions and energies that I have been able to heal my mind, body, and spirit, one memory at a time, one tear at a time. I think many of our difficulties with spirituality arise from our long held belief that it is something that exists outside of ourselves, something unreachable and angry that we need to fear, much like the perpetrators who wounded us as children. Through my studies of hypnosis, dream work, and the subconscious mind, however, I have come to believe that our spirituality or “higher power” is something that exists deep within each one of us and that it exists simply as the abundance of memory, wisdom, and faith that each of us needs to reclaim our lives and heal. It is there whether we are able to believe in it or not, and whether we feel we are able to access its power or not. So, if you’re feeling so inclined, why not take a moment or two and close your eyes. Take a deep breath and turn your attention inside. Notice what you’re feeling. No need to judge or try to change these feelings, just notice them. Take another deep breath and say these words whether your believe them or not, even if, or rather especially if it makes you cry-- “I am taking back my power!” And again. “I am taking back my power!” And again, and again, and again, until you do believe them and until you believe with all your heart and soul that you have both the right and the ability to reclaim the power that was stolen from you and heal. Wishing all of us much hope and wholeness on our journeys, Lynda Wisdo, MA
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AuthorLynda holds an MA degree in Transpersonal Studies/Spiritual Mentoring as well as certifications in Tarot, Yoga, Spiritual Hypnosis, and Reiki. Her goal is to offer support to women undergoing various feminine transitions through a variety of mind/body practices. Archives
March 2023
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